-- Detective Lennie Briscoe on Law & Order
"All human beings connect sex and love ... except for men."
-- Roseanne Conner on Roseanne
"A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry."
-- George Costanza on Seinfeld
"One woman's Titanic is another woman's Love Boat."
-- Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City
"I know they call this a love seat, but I'm not feeling anything special towards you."
-- Chandler Bing on Friends
* * * * * * * * * * * *
We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
- Submitted to Reader's Digest by Matt Slot
* * * * * * * * * * *
Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke.
"So what do you do?" she asked.
"I sell drugs."
Submitted to Reader's Digest by Gina Bennicasa